Oh Dear.

Ok, so I was just re-reading my very angry vent blog (what can I say, I like to proofread after the fact) and was slightly traumatized by the whole thing. It sounded like I was damning the whole world, and that is most certainly not what I meant to do. And I know that when I say "everyone", most of you realize that I do not actually mean "everyone", but usually only a few people (as in 1-4), but I should clarify that, as always, that is the case here. I'm an extremely stubborn person, so when I set expectations, make promises, or get a certain idea about people, I unfortunately stick with them, and that makes me easily shocked by the things that people do or how they change, as aware as I am that people are always changing, myself very much included. And, actually, for most people, my stubbornness is a really convenient thing, cuz if I viewed them in a good light originally, I always have viewed them that way and always will, as is the case with every single one of my friends, and most of the other people that I have met. And unfortunately for me, and the few people I dislike upon meeting, or after having had a few years of school with them, I'll never be able to get that certain idea out of my head. Its that "essence" of those very few that I'm afraid to return to, because I've become much more outspoken and less talented at pretending to be something that I'm not. I'm afraid of what I'll say, of how I'll act, and what will be said about me because of my behavior. I never wanted it to sound like I was separating "bad people" from "good", because I don't believe in that separation. I attempt everyday to avoid the term "good person", cuz I don't believe in the term- except maybe in reference to Jesus, lol- and I'm pretty certain "good" doesn't come from one person but from several. Everyone makes different choices, and those choices are rarely between good and bad, and making the "right" one depends entirely on the situation at hand. Things are never black and white. I openly admit that I resent people that make easy choices, because I so often choose the more difficult choice whether regardless of whether it is right or not, cuz I'm a stubborn ass. :) I just hate when people make choices that can despeartely harm them or someone else later in life. Its just been one of those years that seems like people are dying everywhere, regardless of how they lived earlier, and I just hate to see and hear about people not being able to live their life to the fullest later in life because of the choices they make early on. I know the "live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse" thing is attractive, (i love that quote!) but chances are, when you die young, you're going to die from something that's not going to leave a good-looking corpse. That's all. And, since you probably all know the "choices" I'm talking about, I'll just come out and say that I never meant the people that just partied for fun on weekends, to relax, or whatever- (lol- i don't do relaxation well)- I meant the people that can get wasted everynight, and not realize that their liver hates them, or choose not to care, and get pissed at me cuz I don't drink, or people that chain smoke, and say, "everybody's got to die sometime" without thinking about the people besides them that their early death is going to affect, and just shake it off as if its nothing, who don't think how much more people prematurely on their death bed must have wanted to do with their lives. That's all. lol- I've said "That's all" like, four times already. Drinking just doesn't work for me, so I don't understand it. I can't afford the money, or the extra calories, my family has a history of alcoholism, and I'm a control freak that speaks my mind only when I'm crabby. All of those things = muy mal con alcohol. And I've known too many people that died of lung cancer to be tempted to smoke. My frustration is with my inabilty to understand why and my cowardice to doing something about it, not with people actually doing it. Lol- unless its breaking a promise, cuz I'll always take that very personally, but we won't get into that. Lol. I've gotten over it....almost. So, I hope that makes sense. It does in my brain. Lol. But, I've probably just misrepresented myself...AGAIN. Oh Dear.